No news is good news

Hi... I know, I know, it has been absolutely ages since I've last updated this blog. Going back to work meant going back to the crazy travelling lifestyle of a consultant, I felt like I had to relearn alot of things like how to be confident and look people in the eye after being away from other human beans for so long. I've been meaning to do an update for a while (*cough*3months*cough*) now but I haven't had the time for it, I am tired but I am determined to spit out a post.

Okay, onto the how my skin is doing. My skin feels normal now, it is soft to the touch and that weird shiny appearance it used to have is almost gone. Pigmentation is still there but it is fading, just taking it's bloody time to go away.  I'm not sure if this is in anyway linked to TSW but my skin now produces ridiculous amount of oil, I've never had oily skin as a teen but now I have spots and massive pores. All the same I'd still take this over dry cracking flaky skin in a heartbeat.

I wouldn't say I'm healed just yet as I seem to get micro flares every month or so, that last around two weeks. By micro flares I mean having flaky skin on the surface of my skin, around my eyes and cheeks. The flaky skin isn't itchy it's just unconvenient...

I feel like I'm over the worst bit of this rollercoaster called TSW but only time can tell if I'm really at the end. I will upload pics of my face at some point this week (I promise!). Hold on guys, don't lose hope! If you are flaring at the moment, try to be kind to yourself and let your skin do what it needs to do to get better again.

Sending out love waves to all my fellow warriors.

7 Months In O_O

Wow, how time has flown! It has been 7 months since my skin last touched topical steroids and I can now say it has been possibly one of the best decisions I've made. I'm in no way healed yet, and my face is still very pigmented and a bit flaky around my eyes today but it's nothing compared to the anxiety I faced daily for the first 5 months into this process. The pigmentation is taking it's time to fade but it IS fading! The skin is now strong, and it no longer weeps or anything like that, it gotten to the point where I feel ok about using skin products to wash my face.

 My main worry at the moment is pigmentation, being of South Asian descent it is unfortunate that it doesn't take much for my skin to go into post inflammatory hyper-pigmentation mode. I'm using diluted lemon juice on the affected areas of my face at night to help my skin regain its natural colour and I think it's helping somewhat. (Please DO NOT use lemon juice on your face when you're flaring, it'll possibly make things worse and it'll sting too).

 I have also started going back to work last month and that was a huge HUUUUUGE step for me. At the beginning, I felt very self conscious because of my face looking so very patchy and discoloured. After the first couple of days of feeling embarrassed, it dawned on me that most people do not give an eff about how I look, which in a way, is very liberating. My work colleagues have been nothing but supportive and it also gave me the chance to spread the word on the damage that topical steroids can inflict on people. There are still days where I look at the mirror and get all wobbly and insecure but I only have to think about the other skin warriors that are going through the same thing and it gives me strength.

 I feel as though I have a little bit of my life back, and though I still pass on social engagements, I can feel my confidence building itself back up after being completely annihilated by this monster called TSW. There's hope out there guys, we can do this :)

Broken Robot Girl

Sums up how I have felt these past 6 months, the tight skin, the fatigue, the depression. I'm glad I've made it to the 6 month mark and although I am far from healed, I have improved alot too.

5 Months In!! :D

Yay for sunshine!

It has been a beautiful week this week in the UK, and I've been soaking up the sunshine. I recently had a bloodtest done and my results indicated a fairly severe lack of vitamin D in my blood serum, as well as weirdly high TSH levels. I am now taking vitamin D supplements as well as sunbathing, and I haven't seen any changes to my face yet but sunbathing feels so nice. (I've never sun bathed in my life before, us south Asians try to stay out of the sun since paleness is considered beautiful,  just one of those things, the grass always seems greener on the other side... I digress).

My skin is feeling stronger but I still have really dry red patches on my face and ofcourse it is still very much pigmented. I miss hanging out in town with a Starbucks frappucino, gossiping away with my girlfriends in the Sun. I am too self conscious to be outside my house for too long...

I know my withdrawal hasn't been as tough as other people's and I'm grateful for that but it still affects me. I'm trying not to let it but it's hard... I don't look people in the eye anymore... I wish I could move it off my face and put it in a different location, like me back. That way I wouldn't have to confront it every time I walk past a reflective surface.

I do hope everybody who is affected by topical steroids get some relief soon. The community at the ITSAN Forum has been a great source of comfort to me. Happy healing guys!

4 months in!!

So I'm now into my fourth month of topical steroid withdrawal. And right now, I am so incredibly itchy!! My skin is pretty much the same as it was last month, dry and pigmented, but the itchyness is definately new. I have never been so itchy in my life!! I cannot write a full sentence without having to pause and give my skin (specifically around the jawline at the moment...) a good rub with a face towel. My face isn't that flaky or anything but the itchyness... oh my god, is at an all time high. Maybe I'm flaring right now, I can't really tell... I feel like I've been more or less in a flare the whole time. Sigh.

Using make up...

Today was the first day I tried to use make up to hide the rashes on my face. (see pic) Not a good idea, it made my skin uber itchy and it looks very cakey. I just really want to look normal! I'm so done with being housebound but the thought of leaving the house with my face so rashy and pigmented makes me panic. Heart thumping dizzying panic.  Although make up somewhat hides pigmentation,  it also exaggerates the dryness of my face so... It's not really ideal, I rather be comfortable.

I may have to go back to work in April and I don't know if I could handle it. Sigh. I wish I was badass enough to not give an eff about how I look.... But alas.

14 weeks.

I've just had a shower so I'm slightly more redder than normal. Skin - dry but not flaky.

3 Months In!!

Too tired...

Just keep swimming

SO RED. Hrrr.

I'm a believer

Today after my usual gentle exfoliation of my face, the most amazing thing happened. Under all that grainy flaky mess was baby soft skin, red.... Yes,  but not dry. I can't stop touching my face. It feels so.... Normal.

I'm sure it'll turn back to scalyness by tomorrow, but just feeling that skin makes me feel more optimistic. I sometimes have niggling doubts about whether this topical steroid withdrawal malarkey is real but now, I'm a believer.

Also was looking at photos of myself before I stopped using protopic/steroids and I always always had dark red patches on my cheeks, even with my layers of foundation  and concealer. It was horrible having to depend on a cream to look halfway decent.  I refuse to go back to that! Neverrrr.

Curly lines

There must be an art to filling in my increasingly sparse eyebrows. I look perpetually shocked, no matter how carefully I draw them on. Tis a shambles.

2 months in.

It has been 2 months since I decided to quit corticosteroids. My face is pretty much the same, a red, flaky, dry, literally hot mess. Oozing has reduced (w00p w00p) and the redness seems to now be affecting my neck abit. It's just a few small spots but they are so horribly itchy. I'm aware that tsw can still spread... That's fine and all,  I really just want my face cleared up (and because I've only applied topical steroids on my face, this probably won't happen any time soon... Bummer).

I feel so helpless right now, I've been housebound since the beginning of tim- erm tsw. The hardest part of this process is not knowing when healing will occur. I don't want to return to work still feeling so uncomfortable and looking like the phantom of the Opera but I really love my job too, so I'm full of worries. If I start using steroids again, the past 2 months of extreme discomfort would have been for nothing and I know I would regret it. So here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You know where to find me...

When my face feels really horrible and tight (like after a shower or a wash) I retreat to my secret lair of shame (under my duvet) and curl into a foetal position like a creature of darkness. Seriously, I know it sounds nuts but 5 minutes under a duvet makes my face alot more comfortable, maybe me breathing makes the air more humid? I dunno but it works for me . And plus it's warm and cozy and an ideal place to sit and use my kindle (I WILL GET THROUGH THE GAME OF THRONES BOOKS BY THE END OF THIS!). Fighting!

This is scaly eagle, reporting from ze lair of shame, week 7.5, over.

The fire rages on

The redness is spreading :/.... not majorly, it's just conquering more areas of my face. It's also suddenly wayyyy more itchy. I'm only 7 weeks in and I know I should expect this but I hate that it's on my face. This is bloody awful. I feel like a leper and my face offends me. -.-

Also I've somehow managed to get through almost half a tub of nutella whilst wallowing in self pity and stalking ITSAN for reassurance that I'm not alone.

Jeez.